Sudden reflection on the unbearable lightness of being

Sudden reflection on the unbearable lightness of being
Chasing the stars, dodging the moon, I have been working to my fullest faculty to ensure my valuable ones, and children, if there will be any, can lead a better life, a life that they can be truly alive. But my true self has long escaped me.
Still, sometimes I do feel the deep torment of my soul struggling desperately to escape its mortal coil. I, like Franz in the epic book, is an extremist, if not an idealist. The only sense of release can only be captured through the asymmetrical moment of death. Every progress I have been making seem only contributes to the annihilation. This present complaint means nothing but the grievance over the irreconcilable nature of life; I have long let circumstances dictate and learnt used to it. But as I am only to live once this life, assuming there is no demon magic, I do feel haunting of weightless life creeping up. As in the end, every value ceases to exist then every effort at the moment is therefore weightless as well.
"How can life ever be a good teacher if there is only one of them to be lived? How can one perform life when the dress rehearsal for life is life?"
The long pause from writing has rendered my ability to write obsolete.